a view into some of the deeper, darker thoughts

This month, our bi-yearly report came due.  Twice a year, Peace Corps Volunteers take a few hours to gather the informal and formal data we've gathered, write up detailed notes about our projects, and reflect on our experience and service so far. 

This time around, my third time completing my form, I have been inspired by a fellow PCV to actually lay out my thoughts from that form for you all.  I will likely share a number of reflections I've had and reported to my Program Manager here, but first up is the one that is inspired by Christin- my challenges.

I don't pretend that my thoughts are entirely eloquent, and they may even lack that vital element of humility that I try to embody every single day.  But they are from the heart, written nearly two years into this experience of living in a brand new place, amongst brand new cultural ideals.  That said, take it all with a grain of salt.

With that, here is what I jotted down.

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What challenges have you faced in your project or other areas of your Peace Corps experience?

There are a myriad of small challenges that Americans, particularly American volunteers, face each day living in Cambodia. Most of them are insignificant- dealing with extreme heat coupled with lack of air conditioning, large, disease-ridden mosquitoes out to suck our blood, and the real and present danger that the next food item we eat may be covered with bacteria that our body has never seen and, when ingested, will react violently to.

I've had the same challenges that many PCVs face- my trainees do not have free time for clubs that I thought I'd be able to start, mainly because they spend their evenings and midday breaks preparing their own lessons or getting extra money teaching classes. I've had projects start and stall and be inconsistent because of holidays, scheduling changes (they seem to change monthly), commitment from people who then are unable to meet that commitment, etc.

But none of these surface level challenges tend to get me down twenty months into my service. They are a part of my life, and they only serve to remind me of how truly lucky I have it when I live in America.

It is the deeper challenges that cause me sincere distress at this point in my service. Huge, cultural challenges that either prevent me from doing my work, or prevent me from feeling successful in my work.



BEING A FEMALE IN AN ENTIRELY MALE DOMINATED SCHOOL ENVIRONMENT

Without a doubt, the greatest challenge I have faced in my service has been being a female amongst a team of entirely male co-teachers. My experience has been largely defined by the men that I do my primary work with, and it has not been overwhelmingly positive. I'm aware that female Volunteers face challenges with their female counterparts, but, having recently finally been given the opportunity to work with a female counterpart, I am more aware of the differences between what my work is like with a female as compared to a male Khmer co-teacher.

My very first day at the RTTC [Regional Teacher Training Center], I showed up fifteen minutes before a meeting was set to begin. I was the first person to arrive, so I sat down to study some Khmer. As teachers began to trickle in, I greeted each of them politely, explaining who I was. Eventually, some of the English teaching staff arrived. When they saw me, they immediately knew who I was. The very first thing they said to me, before finding out my name, was that it would have been better if I was a man, or, since I was a woman, if the female English trainer who is normally on staff was not out for the year. They told me it would be much easier to learn the culture and be a teacher at the RTTC if she had been there.

They were 100% correct. Though I've been frustrated by that interaction for a number of months, I've recently come to realize that they predicted so accurately my two years of service that I wish I could go back to the Kate in October 2011 and tell her not to be angry- but to acknowledge this piece of wisdom, thank them for it, and then move on.

I have had four male counterparts during my service. One of them, who was not given English classes this year and thus I was forced to discontinue teaching with, is an exception to the statements I am about to make.

In my daily work with my male counterparts, I am never asked my opinion on a lesson strategy. Often, I am asked if I have an "idea" for what to teach that day. I have given a number of answers to this questions- from, "yes I have this great idea for a new strategy to teach XYZ" to "I have some thoughts, but I'd love to hear yours"- and nearly all answers were usually met with a shake of a the head, and then my co-teacher telling me what the plan is. I have had success in bringing new techniques and ideas to class when I am the sole person presenting- either because I am teaching the lesson alone, or because my counterpart has given me the allotted space or time to cover a topic or hour. When given this freedom, I have brought in a different personality and style to teaching, provided different resources for English or pedagogical development. In this vein, the near entirety of my experience co-teaching with my male coteachers has been using the model of shared teaching- we each teach a separate, distinct section of the lesson, with very little idea-bouncing or energy-trading while the other person is in the front.

I have had a range of mostly negative experiences with my co-teachers willingness to try both a) new things and b) provide the students with the knowledge I believe necessary to become successful teachers. In one case, I have one coteacher whom I have found to be very rigid and unwilling to view my teaching style and techniques as anything he could ever adapt for himself. I have been told by this teacher that he is not a woman and cannot act like me in the classrom- that what I do only works in America or because I am American, and would not work for him. When I finally felt comfortable providing feedback and ideas to improve his instruction, I was met with an uncomfortable laugh and an unwillingness to change. When I then felt it was time to provide some firmer feedback, I found small success only when it came to improving his English - never his methodology. Even when I provided corrections to his word usage, pronunciation- along with context of why it was incorrect, softened with a story of how I made similar mistakes learning Italian or Khmer- I was still confronted with questions like "are you sure?" and "well, this is how we say it when we are Khmer speaking English." Only with a much more forceful repeating of the feedback was it accepted.

With one co-teacher that I began working with this year, I was asked numerous times why I was qualified to work as a trainer at the RTTC. In the year prior, he had said, during a simple chatting sessions amongst teachers, the he did not 'believe' me when I spoke about enjoying my time in Cambodia, and went on to question much of what I was saying. There is a chance I didn't understand his humor- that I still don't understand his humor- but it soured our relationship before it had even began. When we did finally teach together this year, we had a very strong first few classes. I brought in some new ideas, he enjoyed them and I even had a glance into the relationship many have with their co-teachers, as I saw him take a lesson I'd delivered the class before and make it his own with some of my flourishes in the next class. We left that day agreeing we were a 'great team.' Something- I still don't know exactyl what, perhaps it was my lack of grammatical rule knowledge? - deteriorated our common ground. One day, he asked me what degree I had, expressed surprised I had my master's in teaching, made a reference to the previous (male ) PCV who knew a lot about grammar, and then made a comment vaguely referencing aspects of English that are easier for men to learn than women. Since then, it is difficult to work with him. He does not wait for me to go to class and will often park his moto near the classrooms while I am waiting on the other side of the building to enter with him. He will do the majority of the teaching himself, while I stand to the side.

Because of my adherence to cultural division between men and women (which I do out of respect and a desire to not be seen as a loose, American woman), I have never been able to develop a deep relationship outside of teaching with these men. I know- because I've seen it and because Peace Corps teaches us that trust and knowing the other person is the quickest way to build a strong relationship that will lead to efficacy between co-teachers- that having a solid personal relationship with these men would have greatly helped me effect a greater change with them in the classroom. I know because my husband has done amazing, amazing things with his male counterparts and friends. They are able to relate to each other in a way I never can as a woman. I know because now that I have a female counterpart, I finally have a relationship both inside and outside the classroom with a woman, and our students are succeeding because of it- because of our shared goals, laughter, and thoughts.



MY WORK BEING SEEN AS INSIGNIFICANT/NON EFFECTIVE BECAUSE IT CAN'T BE "SEEN"

I've shared this with my Program Manager, but my most recent challenge has been the repetition that I need to leave behind an 'achievement' at my RTTC before I go. When my counterpart first asked me what my achievement would be, I had to ask him to clarify. He gave examples like building a new classroom, or library, or computer lab (all of which my school has), or paving the walkways between the school buildings or fixing the bathroom or, even, building a new bathroom!

Luckily, this topic was broached late enough into my service that I felt comfortable being direct- but polite- with my coteacher. I explained the three goals of peace corps, and that goal number 1- what I do at the school- has nothing to do with leaving behind an 'achievement.' I felt successful because many of our second year trainees spoke English better, used more resources when they taught, had more confidence in front of the classroom. He was confused by this explanation of my 'achievement' and pressed the issue a number of times after the initial conversation.

I- and I think, nearly every single PCV- am confronted with the challenge of my work being seen as lacking value or impact because it isn't something I did or built. Because tangible items- like an English library or a world map- have already been completed by previous PCVs or NGOs, I am left with spending my time focusing on what I thought I came here to do - capacity build, train, provide expertise, knowledge, skills. And then being seen as not leaving behind anything of significance, and being completely deflated by a cultural distinction that I vehemently disagree with. I am conflicted in my desire to be understanding of the cultural/Khmer way of viewing schools/roads/bridges etc as examples of 'foreign aid' and 'progress' while also desiring to be direct and upfront that that, while that all aid can be valuable, it will be people-provided sustainable aid which will be truly progressive and change-making in the long run for Cambodian society.

Honestly, I think this is perhaps the greatest mindset issue which all PCVs- both health and education- face, because our primary projects are mostly intangible- we are building skills, providing training and knowledge, community education- and are thus seen as not really giving much to the community, as they can't be SEEN or TOUCHED, we are constantly questioning our ability to be a contributing part of the community in which we've learned to live.

The final thing my counterpart said when he brought up my 'achievement' was that, though no one would ever tell me, the people at my school would speak negatively about me, my service, my impact, behind my back if I didn't leave behind a tangible accomplishment for the school. They would discuss it when I left, and it would be one of the most memorable aspects of my time as "Kate, PCV."

And when I think about that, I'm left completely deflated and questioning the worth of the energy I've poured into my trainees and coteachers for the past 20 months, and the value of my time as a Peace Corps Volunteer. And I'm left frustrated and disheartened about the future of the culture, community and country I've come to love, because I worry that too much emphasis is placed on insignificant achievements, and very little pride is left for the people who do the hard work of building a stronger, smarter nation.

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As a final note, I don't feel this way all day, every day.  This is a summation of building sentiments over time.  Frankly, I love every minute I spend with my trainees, with my host family, with the people around me, and I am confident that I have done something of value, of worth here.  If not just for my community, most certainly for myself.  And that brings me immense joy, and immense fulfillment.