appearance

today i made a jaunty little quick trip to our market to pick up some quick snackies.

(pause to ensure understanding: our market = an open-to-the-elements deteriorating and hollowed out 1950s era French-colonial-inspired building, crammed full of small stands and stalls, selling everything from raw pork to delicious soup with noodles, from cooking oil to rice, and all things in between, with additional tarp and corrugated steel add-on stalls jutting from the back corner, where fruit, vegetables and fish are sold. side note being, the fact that we have an actual "building" exterior with which to house our little market? huge thing, people, huge.)

my favorite little snackies are these fried muffin-shaped items stuff full of a variety of starchy items i can't quite name. there are some beans for sure, and maybe some potato? and some sort of batter that holds it all together that creates for a crispy, chewy delight.

my "nom" lady ("noms" being any kind of food that had to be baked or fried or such- from french baguettes to tiny little savory doughnut things) sets up shop just inside the building, sitting on a little wooden stool, a big vat of frying oil bubbling hot, alternately filled with my little fried muffins ("nom juerng jruuk"), fried bananas, or other treats.  she knows me well.  as do her friends that have food stalls right next to her.  and today, as i purchased some of these yums for myself and a friend, we began the age old tradition of discussing the topic of choice that all khmer women love to discuss upon first meeting me:

appearance.

our brief but smiley conversation revolved around the women telling me how much they loved my nose and wish they had the same nose (it's always my nose. i can't explain it, but it's always.my.nose) because it's so beautiful.  

as the past year has slugged by, i've contemplated my deep abhorrence of all conversations revolved around appearance.  why must women always first find intimacy in complimenting or noting one another's appearance or dress?  why can't we begin with questions like:

have you read a good book lately?

how's your job going these days?

did you see or experience something new or awesome recently?

all would be exponentially better than:

did you lose weight? you look great!

did you get a new haircut? your bangs are beautiful!

what make-up do you use? your eyelashes are so long!

not that these aren't discussion points to be had, at some point, but why, oh why, must we lead with them? and why must this be a universal decision we women make?

today, after being told my nose was so beautiful, i fell into the trap myself, in an attempt to share my own insecurities, my own envy of their gorgeous faces, to build our connection as women. i told the woman i wish i had her nose, because i think mine is too long and hers is wonderful and short!  

oh no, she said, giggling and shaking her head (that universal sign of a woman refusing to acknowledge a compliment.)

and then i told them that women everywhere, in countries all over, are always wishing we could change parts of our faces, and even in america, we see other woman's noses and wish we could have their luck.

and as i biked away, all i could do was wonder:

how did my khmer get so good that i could express these thoughts out loud?

and 

why do we women, from cambodia to america, default to appearance and envy, as means of expressing interest in, or compliments to, one another?