During an argument with a spouse or significant other, there's this moment, this very tangible pause in time, when you can decide to either turn over, apologize, make up and make amends...or close your eyes, heave a great sigh and attempt to make the other person feel even worse.
It's a very conscious decision, this moment - if you can allow yourself to stop long enough to consider your thoughts and actions beyond the spark of anger that started it all, you realize it's really very stupid and not worth the silent hours, underhanded comments and emotional frustration.
As I've been living with Topher, I've tried to make myself to realize this moment sooner and more often. I've found the loss in happiness is not worth it, no matter the cause, and if I can catch myself and stubbornly get past my own stubbornness (yes, I'm that stubborn), I can extend the olive branch first and end the shenanigans.
I used to hate making the peace first- it's like admitting defeat and guilt. Who wants to be the one being nice and moving toward making up when the other person is the one who's obviously WRONG? Not me. I mean, I'm never wrong- I even put it in our vows.
In the end though, marriage isn't a tally of wins vs. losses, and both of us lose when one of us can't make the decision to roll back over, apologize and try to make it better.
So, Topher, in 2011, I'll try to be self aware and be ok with admitting defeat :)
How do you and your partner fight?
My husband is very non-confrontational and rational and I am very confrontational, quick to snap, and um...irrational. I think over the years I've come to realize that I'm typically wrong in arguments (a hard pill to swallow) and that my husband won't really get upset unless he is SO INCREDIBLY UPSET. So, if we're at the point of arguing, I realize I need to step back...if it's escalated to a real argument, it means that things are very bad.
ReplyDeleteDoes that even make sense? We don't really argue much, because Mark always gives in to me and whatever I want. So when he puts up an argument, it means he is very serious in what he wants...so I let him have it.
I think that's how we argue. I get my way 90 percent of the time, and the 10 percent of the time that Mark wants it his way (or wants his opinion to be deemed "the right one") then I know it's serious and I cede to him.
I have been following you since you were on wedding bee - and this has to be my favorite post. I am a newlywed too and I was just thinking about this same idea over the weekend. It was refreshing to read someone else thinking the same thing and written so articulately!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing.
Definite good advice. We read the 7 principles for making marriage work book before we got married and he talked a lot about how to fight in a healthy way. I find myself thinking about it whenever we're in an argument, and I really think it helps. But, like you, I am SO stubborn, it's really hard to stop when I think I'm right. And let's be honest, I think I'm right 99% of the time.
ReplyDeletethanks so much for this reminder--you're so right. it's incredibly hard for me to make the right decision in that moment. eep. oops. okay maybe that's a resolution i should make. thanks for articulating it so well!
ReplyDeleteI'm making an effort to not snap as easily or pass judgement quite as fast.. I know that I can go from 0 to 60 in less than a second, and it doesn't get us anywhere. I'm so, so, sooo stubborn as well and I'm making a big effort to just let. it. go. It's seriously not worth the extra hassle and arguments it can cause.
ReplyDeleteGreat post.
@Cathleya: that pretty much sums up Chris and I. It's always really hard for me to grasp that my moods, my emotions begin most fights- and when Chris actually is mad, it's pretty...explosive. he has a very long fuse but when the end is reached, I know that it's time to shut up and listen (even when I don't want to). I tried to keep this post short/honest/to the point, but if I had to be honest, it mainly describes me, which is why I am going to try to be better about it :)
ReplyDelete@Kathleen! thank you! I'm glad it resonated a bit!
@mintedlife: I totally just bought that on Kindle and since our amazon's are linked, I told Chris we're both going to read it! Makes me happy that someone I "know" gives it a good rec!
@lavenderpug: that's what I suck at most. I can apologize well, a day later...
@steph c: I'm sooo with you. I agree that it's not worth it in the end!
Oh man, I totally blow through that moment in a fit of self-righteous anger during most arguments :) I absolutely HATE being the one to give in during an argument, and it's a good thing Dave is so good at making peace, or we'd never get over things because I just do not. let. things. die. Also I don't like admitting I'm not right, so it's a pretty horrible combination. geez, poor Dave. Perhaps next time I'll try to actually pause at that moment and stop, instead of just recognizing I blew past it! You're not alone, Kate! And thanks for the post :)
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to read that I'm not the only one who picks fights :)
ReplyDeleteI am quick to start a fight but towards the middle of the fight (right when my husband starts to become frustrated with me) I'm ready to make up and then he isn't so I usually end up crying or cracking really lame jokes so he'll forgive me.
It's probably pretty lame that I'm the one who starts most of the fights and I usually don't even feel like finishing them but most of the time I realize that whatever we're fighting about is so incredibly ridiculous and all I really want is for him to tell me everythings ok.
We used to have a huge problem when we fought - R would want to walk away and cool off, but I felt like that was him clamming up and giving up. We talked about it and now we stick it out, but I'm much more willing to compromise and calm down because I know he won't walk away. It's worked out well!
ReplyDelete